How to introduce yourself online when it's sex-related
Today as often, I spent a significant amount of time scrolling through a significant amount of messages, mostly on Kik and Instagram. All these messages have two things in common:
1/ senders want sex, eventually, you know what I mean… (don’t get me wrong, this is not the problem),
2/ they leave me thinking "Oh my God, help them, it's 2019 and they are still not literate in online etiquette!" (this is the problem).
I am about to reveal something that may have you jump out of your seat: yes, even when it is about sex, you should respect some basic communication rules. And guess what? It’s kind of similar as in any other contexts, think ‘job hunting’ etc. So below is my contribution to making the world a better place with this online communication 101. If you think about it, nicely written introductions would be better for everybody’s sanity.
If like me, you deal with this on a regular basis, feel free to share this post with the sender. I actually think this will now become my default answer to all messages that don’t meet basic human communication standards.
Who wants to speak to that person?
I am sorry but I really don’t care if you have this extra special public career or if your mum is the Queen. You see my face, you show yours. It’s all about making the person you are talking about feel like you are at the same vulnerability level.
If you don’t want to put on a profile picture, send a nice portrait of yourself with your introduction. I said a portrait (no torso/dick, yet).
Be well mannered
The difference between us and animals? Yes, there you go… Being here for the sex doesn’t mean you should strip off all your manners already. Think social lube, be nice as you were told growing up. Address the person by their name, introduce yourself, say something nice and wish them a good day.
Who wants to speak to that person?
Here are the basics: ‘Hello [insert their name], I am [insert your name]. I hope this message finds you well […] Have a good day!’
To the point!
MAKE IT COUNT
You don’t want to spam here so send one message and make it count. How? Giving enough information for the person you are writing to to know who you are, where you found their details and why you are messaging them.
Your message could become: ‘Hello [insert their name], I am [insert your name]. I hope this message finds you well. I have found your details on [insert location] and I’d love to [insert what you want]. Have a good day!’
call for an answer
You want an answer right? Send the kind of message above, it’s good but the person may read it and forget about it. You need to ask a simple and clear question to trigger an immediate answer and start the conversation.
maybe not as…
Something like: ‘Hello [insert their name], I am [insert your name]. I hope this message finds you well. I have found your details on [insert location] and I’d love to [insert what you want]. What about you? Have a good day!’
MAKE IT PERSONAL
This is not necessarily something you should think about in the end… If you can, make it personal, say something tailor-made for the person you are writing to. Apps are good when they connect us to each other but they become ridiculous when they transform dating into some standardised activity Ford would be proud of. It’s OK to have a master you copy and paste but add something hand-made, icing on the cake anyone?
With the above message: ‘Hello [insert their name], I am [insert your name]. I hope this message finds you well. I have found your details on [insert location]. [Insert something you like about the person]. I’d love to [insert what you want]. What about you? Have a good day!’
Let’s put this in practice, let’s say you are Alex, you found my contact details on my website, which you enjoyed because I have this list of cool stuff to do in Paris and you are planning to go this summer. You message me because you want to join Risqué. There is a message I’d love to read and I would be happy to answer to!
Hello Sophie, I am Alex. I hope this message finds you well. I have found your details on your website, loved your post on Paris, thanks! This will definitely be useful this summer as I am planning to travel there for a week. Also, I’d love to join Risqué! What’s the process? Have a good day!’
dealing with rejection
You’ve been told about consent right? I guess you find it complicated, it’s normal. Consent is complicated. One thing that could make it less complicated though is to foster an environment where people feel free to say no and for that you need to accept to hear no. Being on a hookup site doesn’t mean you are up for anything, with anyone at anytime. Be nice!
You think I missed something? Please let me know in the comment section or get in touch on Instagram! I’d love to hear from you.